


pain, but i won't let it turn into hate

by fangirl__extraordinaire



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Episode 6, Francis is there too, M/M, S01E06, doesn't follow canon, filling in the hole in my heart after cancellation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 16:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14719968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl__extraordinaire/pseuds/fangirl__extraordinaire
Summary: So, I finally got the courage to post this. Trying to fill the hole in my heart after the cancellation. I couldn't really come up with a title, but I wrote this while listening to Youth by Shawn Mendes so that's where the title comes from. Also, sorry if the tense is a little weird I was playing between past/present tense and then I don't know what happened. Anyway, I'd love to hear comments/critiques about this, it's the first fanfic I've ever written, so I'm really curious to see what you guys think of it!IMPORTANT: I wrote this after watching episode 6. So, like, everything after that is not canon. Took me awhile to get the courage to post this, clearly.Thanks for reading!





	pain, but i won't let it turn into hate

**Author's Note:**

> So, I finally got the courage to post this. Trying to fill the hole in my heart after the cancellation. I couldn't really come up with a title, but I wrote this while listening to Youth by Shawn Mendes so that's where the title comes from. Also, sorry if the tense is a little weird I was playing between past/present tense and then I don't know what happened. Anyway, I'd love to hear comments/critiques about this, it's the first fanfic I've ever written, so I'm really curious to see what you guys think of it!  
> IMPORTANT: I wrote this after watching episode 6. So, like, everything after that is not canon. Took me awhile to get the courage to post this, clearly.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Jeremy’s mom is a statue, not having moved a muscle throughout his whole explanation. She blinks, slowly coming back to life a couple of minutes later and Jeremy can’t begin to decipher the expression on her face. He had let a phrase slip, something he had not been quite ready to share.

With every second that passes, he can feel his heart beating faster and he doesn’t think he’s even breathing anymore, and so he does the thing he promised himself he wouldn’t do, walks out of the house without seeing his mother’s reaction. He digs through his pockets and fortunately he has his phone on him. Jeremy sends a text and heads towards the park, finding a bench near the playground where he spent most of his childhood. Luckily, Francis doesn’t live that far away. His friend arrives quickly and sits down next to him, without a word. Jeremy turns to face him and out pours everything on his mind. He starts off with the fact that he’s gay (there’s a flicker in Francis’ expression, but it settles on understanding, which makes it all the more easier to tell him everything else). He doesn’t even have a hard time explaining everything that had gone down with Simon, everything he’d been feeling since he saw the casting for the play, everything that had played into his reluctance to tell his mom about the play.

“What did I do to deserve this?” Jeremy’s voice is small, broken, regretful. (He hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t wanted to admit it. That’s his second slip up of the day- why had he told his mom?).

It's silent for just a moment, and then Francis grabs him by the shoulders, and that contact is probably the reason words and logic finally break through the haze of panic and doubt. “You deserve better than this.”

Francis offers him a place to say, but tells Jeremy he needs to go back and figure out what his mom truly thinks. Francis tells him that it’s good he finally got this off his chest. And finally, Francis looks at him straight in the eyes and tells him that if Simon doesn’t clear up his issues, he doesn’t deserve Jeremy and Jeremy needs to move on (easier said than done).

With the promise made that Jeremy will text Francis with any updates, Francis leaves Jeremy at the door to his home, inside which lies much uncertainty. He feels calmer, though, and knocks on the door.

His mother opens it, looking slightly frazzled.

(And, he finds that maybe, just maybe, his reaction to her silence earlier had been a little exaggerated). She hugs him, tightly, like she’s afraid he is going to run away again (he knows the feeling). Then, she whispers, “We’ll figure this out.” And from the tone of her voice, he knows it’s going to be okay.

* * *

 

He’s never really been terrified of walking into his English class. Nervous, sure, before a test, but he’s never felt fear. As soon as he walks in, Mr. Mazzu’s gaze is on him, disappointment clear.

“Mr. Mazzu, you needed to talk to me?” he asks, voice a slightly higher pitch than usual.

“Yes, Jeremy, but we’ll wait until Sim-“

“I’m here, Mr. Mazzu!” Simon comes into the room, out of breath. He freezes upon seeing Jeremy and Jeremy can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. They’d started off as friends (maybe) but every time that he had gotten Simon to finally relax, to let out a carefree laugh, he went right back to robot Simon spitting out the same lines. He was really done with those lines, and maybe that was what had spurred the incident in the parking lot, after hearing them again. It's another one of those impulsive actions he’d performed this past week, but this is one he doesn’t regret. Okay, maybe he does, a little bit, because he can’t even decide which pain is worse: having Simon run away and avoid him, or have little snippets of real Simon and mostly dealing with his cold, mean counterpart. Now he is face to face with him once again and they’ve been staring at each other for far too long. He is the first to break the stare, for once, and sits down in one of two seats set in front of Mr. Mazzu’s desk.

“Simon, sit, please,” Mr. Mazzu says, the disappointment having changed to a sort of resignation. Simon follows the command, protectively clutching at his backpack. “You boys realize that we are two weeks from opening night, right?” At his students’ nods, he continues, “Well, it has been weeks since we’ve last rehearsed your scene and I was trying to let you work out your issues, but we are getting dangerously close to our deadline. I need you to be professionals! If you’re not able to perform the scene, we’ll have to switch you out with your understudies. I don’t like this option, but it’s looking to be my only one at this rate.”

Cold fear runs down Jeremy’s spine. He _finally,_ _finally_ is doing something he loves, has a role, an important role, in a school play and he does not want to lose it. His mind flashes back to the conversation on the bench.

 

_You deserve better than this._

 

He is  _going_  to fight for this. “Mr. Mazzu, I-“

“Let’s take out the kiss bit. I can do it if we don’t do that,” Simon says quickly, almost as if he can’t say the words fast enough. After two awkward beats of silence, Simon licks his lips, and reluctantly fills the space, “It’s just- I- uh, I finally convinced my mom to come to the play. And so, I was thinking that maybe we could make things easier for her.” By the end of that, he is staring defiantly at Mr. Mazzu. But Simon’s never been a good liar. Far from it. (Ironic, considering how good of an actor he is). Simon, a staunch defender of the play, an upholder of the truth of its message, is betraying his values, because, as Jeremy was trying to tell him in the parking lot, he isn’t being honest with himself.

And he knows that it’s hard, these types of truths, rocking the very foundations of one’s being. Yeah, Jeremy had known he himself was gay. Known since he was a kid, known the first time he’d seen Simon’s talent at work on the stage (and every time since), known at the tingle he’d felt when looking at the cast list for  _Spring Awakening_. But really coming to terms with it, having to worry about family reactions and such, he knows, is difficult, because he was- is struggling through the same thing. Maybe his mom, teetering on the border of acceptance, is going to turn right back around and decide he needs therapy. Maybe his father, at hearing the news, will decide to finally become invested in Jeremy's life. It's an ever present fear that's become easier to manage, but he  _understands_  that it's hard. So, he’ll give him space.

Jeremy doesn’t say anything else, watches the scene play out in front of him, as Mr. Mazzu readily makes changes for his star student without consulting Jeremy. (Isn't he a part of this play, too?)

* * *

 

Opening night comes. There is more excitement and nerves then Jeremy’s ever experienced in his life; he can feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

When it’s time for his and Simon’s scene, the tension is palpable among everyone backstage. Two weeks of practicing, and this is the one scene in the play that never reached the potential of the others. As much as they were both trying, there was still a bumbling awkwardness and (at least Jeremy, perhaps a little selfishly, felt) the missing parts took away from the potency of the song. But it was better for him, anyway, because at least Simon had stopped looking so tortured all the damn time.

From the start, something feels different. Jeremy takes the surprise and runs with it, easy to incorporate into the delivery of Ernst’s lines. Simon’s standing much closer than he has all week and when it comes time for the place where the first kiss was, there’s a determination in his eyes, and Jeremy knows what’s coming. He barely has time to think and the reaction to that kiss is definitely his, not his character’s. Continuing the trend, the rest of the reprise is strangely vivid, sweet and tender. On exiting the stage, Jeremy finds himself hoping that Simon’s not “just acting”.

When they’ve taken their bows and Jeremy’s head finally clears, he’s mad. Furious, even. He had thought they were done with this back and forth game, with this jerking around of his emotions. And with this surge of emotions, he gets mad at himself, because shouldn’t he be celebrating? They did it, they made it through opening night and after everything their troupe had been through, they deserved to celebrate. The crowd, though a little small, seemed to enjoy it (that is, not too many people walked out in protest or anything), but instead he’s just conflicted. He wants to confront Simon, but he wants to do so privately and it’s just not going to happen tonight.

 

(Or so he thought.)

 

But then he feels someone grab his wrist and pull him into a room backstage.

“Simon? What’s going on?” he asks, although he’s fully aware that he’s put multiple layers on the meaning to that question, which he half hopes that Simon will understand.

There’s silence for what seems like eternity, Simon staring at Jeremy with his chocolate brown eyes that make Jeremy’s jumble of emotions even more confusing. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible person,” Simon finally starts talking. Before Jeremy can say, _no, duh_ , he continues, “It’s just, it’s been a lot, and I didn’t expect any of this to happen, and you kept pushing, and I was so confused, and there’s the whole thing with my parents, and, like, I’m Catholic, and half the time I feel like a ticking time bomb that’s going to explode, and the stage is supposed to be my _home_ , and, and…” Simon’s rambling, but as much as Jeremy wants to forgive him, the apology is even less convincing than his lies.

“If you’re going to apologize, Simon, you could at least try to be honest for once!” He sees Simon’s reaction to the words, as if he’s been hit. But he doesn’t take the words back; he’s done with the mixed signals.

“C’mon, Jeremy, this isn’t easy! You wouldn’t understand! Can’t you give me a break?” From the look on his face, Jeremy knows Simon didn’t mean any of it. But they’re both past the point of a rational argument, now saying things they don’t entirely mean (which is not new territory for Simon, but for Jeremy, who’s always strived for honesty, it is a bit of a terrifying sensation).

“Give you a break? That’s not how this works, Simon!” he breathes out, angrily. “You’re not the only one that’s not sure how their family’s going to react! You’re not the only one this has been hard on. I get it, there’s the whole thing with you being Catholic and your family, but… Simon… if you needed space, if you needed time, I would have given it to you, if you’d explicitly asked for it, if you hadn’t dragged Annabelle through all of this. What about her feelings, huh, Simon? What about mine?” His voice breaks a bit towards the end. He doesn’t want to seem weak, but honestly with Simon standing in front of him, all he wants is to forgive him for everything he’s ever done (But, it’s not that easy, he reminds himself). He’s not really an angry person at heart, but sometimes he wants to be, because without the anger it becomes all too easy for people to step all over him.

He can see Simon take a deep breath, seeming to take in everything he’s thrown at him. “You’re right. I- I’m sorry. You’re right about everything. I haven’t been honest to you, to my parents, to my sister, to Annabelle, to the troupe, but mostly to myself.” Simon lets out another sigh. “And I, I’m gay. That’s the truth. And I hope you’ll forgive me, Jeremy, although with how I’ve been acting I don’t really deserve it. I hope I can regain your trust.” It seems he’s going to leave it there, and Jeremy is ready to say they can move on, but then Simon surprises him by continuing to talk. “Also, I apologized to Annabelle a couple of days ago. I don’t deserve forgiveness but she gave it to me, I guess, after explaining the whole situation. Maybe I should do that more, use my words,” he laughs lightly, pain flashing in his eyes.

And Jeremy lets out a _snort_. (Ah, he’s so refined). But it brings a larger, real smile to Simon’s lips and the tension in the room is lessened. “You’re forgiven,” he relents, dragging out the words as if it’s a hard decision. (It isn’t). “I’m sorry, too. For everything. Just please don’t shut me out again.” It’s Jeremy’s small plea, his way of once again leaving his heart in Simon’s hands, despite his brain telling him that this can only end in heart break. His trust will be hard to earn back, that’s for sure.

Simon, still looking a little uncertain, looks absolutely adorable having not yet changed from his costume and all Jeremy wants to do is touch him. So he settles for grabbing his hand, lacing their fingers together, almost shivering at how cold Simon’s hands are. (Another impulsive decision, but this one he’s 100% sure he doesn’t regret at all). “You ready?” Jeremy asks. Simon gives him a wordless answer, just glancing at him and squeezing his hand.

They both head towards the door with a renewed friendship and the promise of something more.

_“If both our parents disown us, you want to run away together?”_


End file.
